User blog:THEJJRAT/SimSim's SomeWhat Bizarre Adventure
aka the old Sims stories Medieval Ah, the middle ages. A time of sim-eating whales and wizardry. Somewhere in the kingdoms of ancient SimNation, a monarch arises in a newly built kingdom. His name is Tree Bark Pooper the Second, who accidentally named the kingdom after himself. He moved into the land from boat, with a group of humans and sims from far off lands. He had learned simlish from his parents, and it would be useful in these strange lands that was mostly made up of sims. Tree Bark quickly made friends with Hans, the master builder of the kingdom. Tree could relate with Hans, as his parents were too eaten by giant man-eating whales. They often talked about the newest menu items at Sith-Js, an eatery owned by the mysterious Sith. They brought new food items to the land, foreign to the likes of Sim. They brought potions known as "soda", and devices consisting of cooked beef, bread and cheese. They also wielded sticks of light, which confused and scared Tree Bark. Anyway, Hans had sent Tree Bark to cut down wood. This offended Tree, as he is part tree, but he kept his opinions to himself. The kingdom needed trees, to sacrifice them to Orifice the Tree God. On his way to the forest, he encounters a bandit! What a fiend! He ends up befriending the bandit, talking about his life story and his adventures in Spain. Lyle, the bandit, became good friends with Tree, until the ancient deity "The Watcher" forced him to duel with Lyle. Heavily injuring but sparing the young bandit, Tree invited him to the kingdom for tea. After many deep conversations and Tree pouring his heart out about his parents and favorite songs, they soon became best of friends. He soon fell asleep, waking up hours later to a bowl of soup He soon fell asleep, waking up hours later to a bowl of soup. He had forgotten that he was supposed to gather wood, so he headed into the forest and went on an epic quest! He encountered a red eyed dire chinchilla, nobody had catched these alive before! It was stuffing it's mouth hole with plants and flowers, and this triggered Tree. He jumped the creature with his mighty axe! It screamed, but Tree dropped the axe on accident and nearly chopped it in two. He took its corpse as a trophy. He then collected various types of woods, with the utmost haste. He then headed to the graveyard, finding Cavedigger Donovan and a pile of corpses! He then headed to the graveyard, finding Cavedigger Donovan and a pile of corpses! He went in for the kill, Tree discussing about cavedigging. Donovan suggested a church to be built, as he was sick of burying his victims without a proper rite. Tree thought it was an interesting idea, and went in for the stone while Donovan had his way with the corpses. While stone hunting, he discovered an underground lake and a chest While stone hunting, he discovered an underground lake and a chest. As treasure hunting was in his and his family's blood, he naturally opened it without thinking. He found a pile of wet coins, §125 in simoles! He also got the stones, which is cool I guess. He went to the village shoppe, where villagers native to the land sold goods. He bought an onion, an exotic item he had never seen before. He bought a chunk of electrum, a strange element that he figured was unique to this land, and a cruddium hammer. He also bought some crude chain mail, as it looked cool. After he bought his items, a shady man approached. "I have heard words of your arrival," the shady man said, "and I had prepared two gifts to help you build your kingdom. However, the gift depends on your answer to this question: What virtue do you wish to bring to Tree Bark Pooper II?" Naturally, he responded with "I wanna help my home dogs at my crib and stuff. They my homies, like, uh, Lyle and stuff." "Good, very good. You are wise. I present to you with the gift of ass: the Monarch's Armor of Fortitude. It was hand crafted by my grandmother, Aunt Jemima, who created it with bear fur and fried fish." he said, before vanishing in a cloud of smoke. Suddenly, a man called for the king's help. Tree rushed to his aid, and the main claimed that a woman pushed him into the mud and called him mean names. The king called him a cuntnose and to fuck off, and he made sure to send him to the pit later. He went off to find the woman, but got lazy and went to bed. In the morning, he treated himself to some onion soup. How amazing! How could nobody have thought of this yet?! He was so impressed by the meal, he made it mandatory for every citizen in the kingdom to incorporate onions into their diet. He then decided to propose an edict, to melt down excess Tredonian gold reserves to craft arms and armor. He really likes gold. Later, he arrests the bully woman and throws a grenade at her. He returns home to a bunch of guests and that one dude that asked him for help. He eats a bunch of soup, not caring for the turn of events, but somebody catches his eye. A sim, a native of these lands, who has some pretty TBHCHIC thighs if you ask him. He starts flirting with the sim, though it evolves into something deeper. They soon start confessing their love, and hold hands. This marks history's first interspecies/sim and human relationship. And they hold hands three times in a row once more, in the span of a few minutes. What vile lewditity. And finally, they cuddle romantically until Tree decides he's hungry again. It was a fine new day in the lands of Simmydimmy, a piece of modern day SimNation. The king of Tree Bark Pooper II, Tree Bark Pooper the Second, was traveling the high seas with his mighty crew, Hans and Lyle. While traveling the mighty seas, Lyle, the guy in the crow's nest, screamed something about a mysterious island again. None appeared on his Pip-Boy map, that he got from a strange British person in a blue box with an abnormally large chin. He decided to investigate the island. They had found nothing but herbs and onions. He didn't mind, however, as he loved onions. He soon went to bed, as he had stuffed so many onions into his many body holes that he grew tired. A restless sleep gave him a series of nightmares, and he decided to face his demons with a giant silver dream spoon. He penetrated the dream creatures, eventually having a foursome with the creatures. He awakened during the arrival of Dream Satan, and he decided to brew some wine. He made it with the finest onions, naming it "The Onion Wine of Old". His very own recipe. Suddenly, some wanker entered his room and took a glass of wine, and puked on his floor. Enraged, Tree Bark sends her to the Pit. Nobody steals his fine onion wine and disrespects the floor that was made of his grandmother's petrified flesh! Still saddened by the puking and theft, he heads down to his throne to discover that Tristan, king of Tedony, was pissing about. As he did plan to destroy or invade all of the kingdoms one day, he sent him to the stocks as prisoner. After hours of soft platonic cuddling from the Pit monster and the evilest of torture methods, a Tedony spy set him free while Tree wasn't looking. In his home, he realizes he didn't know poop about his relatives (except for his close ones). He calls upon the powers of Jesus and summons a relative, while his slaves prepare for their arrival. His cousin, Jace, had arrived. He talked all about how he once banged the Grim Reaper and such, but all Tree cared about was the family crest. He didn't have it, actually, so he went down to the well and asked his cousin to spit in it. As Tree likes to spit, he agreed. Then he asked him to spit on a peasant. He was enraged, the peasants of these lands had the mightiest of thighs and the juiciest of onions! So they went to the docks, where Jace told him to send his servant to the stocks. Never has he been so eager to send one to the stocks. Aka Jace, because he was sending Jace to the stocks. They threw eggs and tomatoes and non-lethal but painful grenades at him, but suddenly it was revealed that the peasant that stole Tree's wine was being executed. Tree and his mates watched in excitement, as the Beast tore the woman limb from limb! Tree and his mates watched in excitement, as the Beast tore the woman limb from limb! Tree even got to speak with Papa Reap the Third, the Grim Reaper's grandfather, and it turned out he never laid down with Jace. He later returned to his cousin, and told him that he was a little flying lying bitch boy with extra mustard. His cousin flipped a switch and turned the lights off, any by that I mean the sun! His cousin demanded that he did something good or he would destroy the sun, dooming the Earth His cousin flipped a switch and turned the lights off, any by that I mean the sun! His cousin demanded that he did something good or he would destroy the sun, dooming the Earth. Tree agreed, declaring him as the best cousin in the land. He asks once again for the crust, but that was impossible. He then prayed to Jesus, who revealed that he was a fool! He got bamboozled! Jace was nothing but a fraud! He sends the con-man to the pit, where he would be eaten alive. Little did he know, Jesus was actually just shitfaced at the time and he just murdered his completely innocent cousin. Afterwords, he hears word that a child has gone missing. He puts it on his to-do list and goes to court, where a strange woman says that a dire whale has attacked a shipping route. As he waits for more petitions, a woman comes up and asks him if she could have a child. He was stunned by the sheer stupidity of this question, and due to this stupid question, he bans her from having children. Just keeping the gene pool clean. Potter Ned then asks him for twenty bucks so he can hire a succubus, and Tree makes a hearty laugh and lends him 30 dollars for his troubles. Little did he know this would be a reference to a meme made two years after this was written, Potter actually just buying a bunch of chickens or something. The 2 Spaghettiville, 2009 Ah, Spaghettiville. What a wonderful town, with all the fast food and chemicals in the air. A great vacation spot! Even people from other universes (and galaxies) agree. Take the Shepard family, for instance. Commander Shepard's a clone of a famous war hero, a lil' boo beep lookin' motherfucker. Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy is a quarian engineer with a godly hip-to-waist ratio, and the duo are madly in love. After their most recent adventure, involving a valcano filled with magic dinosaur sharks and a golden toothbrush, they decided to take a break from their galaxy exploring - and their group - and take a vacation to Earth. In Earth-420. In SimNation. In Spaghettiville. All alone, all to themselves, and a computer, a town full of wacko time travelers, and a bed. They arrive to their newly bought house via taxi, and Tali celebrates by passionately kissing her human partner. They had learned, through many years of experience, how to kiss with a glass helmet dome thing on. Shepard agrees with this and goes fishing with their house moat thingy majig, while Tali discovers that the house came with a snazzy boombox thing. She jammed out for hours, while Shepard failed to fish for hours as the moat didn't come with fish, you fucking idiot. Did that cloning process put a dick in your brain? Anywho, hours later, Torchwood gained intel that a new family had arrived. They sent their best men on the job; awaiting to meet the new faces. Shepard instantly knew who they were; or, atleast, who one of them were. It was one of those pesky Doctors, that gay dude who later turned into a giant head, and some other guy he hadn't seen before. It didn't take long for a dance off to occur, the Doctor showing off his freaky moves. However, Shepard looked on in depression as he realized that he couldn't dance with Tali, as she was the one generating the music that they were currently dancing to. The gay head trenchcoat guy was furiously showing off the moves he learned during the Vietnam War; while the Doctor starts laughing like a maniac. This deeply disturbing the others, but this didn't stop the heated dance off in progress. The Doctor, sick of falling on his ass every nine seconds, decides to go inside and take a thick, fat, solid, hard, crusty, sweaty, triangle-shaped, painful, sharp glob of time shit and play computer games. This caused the phone to ring, causing Shepard to answer it, causing Tali to stop dropping mixtapes as the phone call was for her. As the heated dance off had ended, Ianto and Harkness bragged over how delicious their moves were or something. Tali picked up the phone, and realized it was a telimarketer that wanted to sell her a magazine. She kindly declined, but was shown to eighty different products and eventually buying it to shut her up hours later. Meanwhile, the Doctor had one of the most troubling moments of his entire hundreds of years of life. He attempted to get a newspaper and drain it of it's knowledge juice, but a gift box cut away his hopes and dreams with a circumision knife. He then decides to go eat Shepard's famous macaroni and cheese, while Tali is cut in half by the sliding door He then decides to go eat Shepard's famous macaroni and cheese, while Tali is cut in half by the sliding door. She doesn't mind, and eats away her mac n' cheese while nanobots glue her back together and seal the suit before she is filled with yucky alternate universe germs. Ianto discusses TVs with Shepard, who promptly tells him to shut the fuck up and enjoy his dinner. A few days had gone by. Shepard was wanting to join the military, get a taste of SimNation's spectres. A new family had joined in, made up of Boba Fett, a deformed clone trooper, and Mission Vao. Tali got along with Mission, and they were hanging out alot. However, a new challenge for the Normandy crew emerged this day. Jack Harkness and his Torchwood agents, including the 8th and 9th Doctor, were invited to the house by Shepard. They started off by eating Chinese food, but Jack ended up harassing Tali by standing in her way all the time. He endlessly poked Shepard, causing him to have a mental breakdown and cry. Later, after constant poking abuse, he turned the tables and smacked the fuck outta Jack. Jack cried like the little mutant he was, and Shepard kicked his sorry little ass out the door, "You can't mess with a spectre, Torchass." This also ruined the fun of all the other agents and Doctors, and Jack was treated like shit for the rest of the night. Jack soon formed a plan of revenge, and sneaked into the Shepard household and stole their newspapers! Tali tried to jump him, but it was too late. Shithead was lighting fast. Suddenly, both Tali and Shepard caught the flu. But Shepard didn't care, he was going after those newspapers. He kissed his precious Tali, and told her he had a job to do. He went under his bed and grabbed his M1014 shotgun, in case it would ever have to be used. He ran to the Torchwood base, dropkicking (in mid air) the 9th Doctor as he waved and was about to say hello. He shot the door down with his shotgun, and went inside. Jack screamed, before Shepard punching him in the face and they fought to the death. Shepard knocked him out by banging his skull onto a spoon, and left him for dead as he restole the newspapers and escaped. Three days later... The Flu virus was spreading at an alarming rate. It had already infected Shepard and his wife multiple times, as well as infect the Torchwood facility. Jack Harkness had already expired to the virus. It was time to do something about it. SimNation shut down their airports and quarantined Spaghettiville, the origin of the epidemic. The government sent some of their brightest minds to find a cure, and to end the flu's reign of terror. Through flesh samples found from various corpses piling up on the street, the scientists dubbed the virus the "Tand/or mantits virus", and injected deadly poop particles into the bloodstream. These poop particles would then take over the brain, causing the victim to go insane and explode. The only known remedy was sleeping, so the poop particles couldn't touch the brain because an anti-poop particle forcefield that triggered when sleeping. Or something. Category:Blog posts